The Little Things

Yesterday I opened a book and found one of Dan’s little love notes in it.........and it made me think, as I often do, of the little things we do for one another that puts BIG deposits into our relational bank account.



Valentine’s Day is drawing close. It is my second most favorite time of year right after Christmas. It is a time when I think often of all the wonderful years with my husband. I have known him since 1966. That’s a long time. We married in 1968.



Both of us came from parents who were not in ideal marriages by a long shot. Dan’s parents barely tolerated each other; a civil relationship that didn’t show much love or support. I never knew having a father because my mother had been divorced twice before I was four years old and remarried my father when I was already out of the house..........briefly..........before she divorced him again. She says if you add up all three marriages it wouldn’t total six years. A sad commentary.



We fell in love gradually. We became good friends first.........and I was in awe of how Dan treated me like a lady. He was considerate, kind, attentive, a great conversationalist and listener. And very wise. Not to mention I thought he was majorly cute! Since I had never been treated so well by a man before I quickly saw the value in hanging onto this Godly gentleman.



We vowed to work hard at creating a relationship and marriage we could be proud of and would make us both stay in love with one another. And we have certainly done that. Through respect, perseverance, kindness, consideration, and right priorities we have had over 40 years of an incredible loving relationship that has kept us true to one another and has been a model for our children in their own relationships.



For our anniversary ten years ago, I gave Dan a little booklet I made for him that listed little things he does that say “I Love You!” through his actions. It not only made a big hit with him but countless others have read it and wept for the insight it gave them into how to make their own relationship better. I want to tell you some of the little things that make BIG deposits into our relational bank account....................



Not long ago I went to Hilton Head with a girlfriend and every time I would pull something out of my suitcase or open a book I had brought I would exclaim, “Oh! Here’s another note!” My friend got excited with me and told her own husband that he needed to take notice! Dan always puts love notes in my suitcase when I go on a trip without him. I do the same for him. It has become a fun challenge for us to hide the notes without the other seeing so that we will be pleasantly surprised when we discover them. We did it for our children too, in their lunchboxes and in their suitcases. Now they do the same thing in their relationships.



Every morning I fix tea for Dan and myself. Dan says he can’t do it. I know he COULD do it but I enjoy doing it for him. I once was accused of enabling him to be helpless. I scoffed at that remark as I mulled it over and figured if I was enabling, then so be it. I am comfortable with waiting on Dan because he does it for me too. If we are sitting in the living room and he decides to get himself a drink he will ALWAYS ask if I would like something and he is just as eager to “enable” me as I am him. It works both ways.



Recently I had a carful of women and we were following a carful of guys driven by Dan. I needed gas. So Dan pulled in to the gas station ahead of me and waited for me to pull up and he filled my tank and paid for my gas. I never got out of the car......but I did thank him and gave him a smooch. He knows I do NOT like to pump gas and he likes to do it for me. Seems fair enough to me. The girls in the car told him he spoils me and we both said it is true.........but it is reciprocal.



Dan has never really cooked a meal in our entire lives together. He says he has never had any interest since I do it so well. I enjoy cooking so it has always worked that I do the meals. If I don’t want to cook, he takes me out to dinner or we mix up a bowl of oatmeal. No problem. He does, however, readily get up from the table and clean up. He fills the dishwasher, washes by hand, wipes countertops. Whatever it takes. He never grumbles about pitching in and we make a good team.



He opens doors for me. He says please and thank you. He never demands or commands. In fact, he has NEVER raised his voice to me........or to our children........He reaches for my hand to hold.............a lot...............He compliments me.............a lot.............. We both go out of our way to listen to the needs, desires and wishes for each other.... If I sigh over an IL DIVO song that I hear, it isn’t long before he has bought me the CD and I know he listened.



He is more concerned about my happiness than he is in being right. I listed that in the little book I made him. It is a big thing. A principle that many people never get. Someone always has to prove he/she is right and the other person loses. A good example: Not long ago we were driving and there was a blackened spot in the road with a little debris. Dan said it was where a car had burned up. I said, “No, I am sure it is a stain from road kill because I think I remember some scavenger birds there recently.” Rather than argue the point Dan didn’t say anything else. Wasn’t that important. About a month later that black spot in the road was still there. I felt guilty because I knew he had been right. My conscience got the best of me and one day as we passed by that spot I told him I owed him an apology. “Why?” he said. I told him I had been wrong and he was sweet not to have argued with me but I had to admit I was wrong. He thanked me for that....... It was a small thing. Most people would never have thought about it twice. But that dialog is the basis for our relationship. We care enough to be considerate, kind and gracious to one another. Waging a war on who is right and who is wrong only makes withdrawals from our emotional and relational bank accounts. Saying “I’m sorry” or giving a compliment makes huge deposits.



I often get asked how I managed to raise such respectful children. The answer is easy. They saw respect in their home. They never saw or heard fighting, anger, bitterness between their parents and they never experienced being treated that way. Consequently the people who come in contact with them always comment on their treatment of others. I am totally convinced it is a direct reflection of what they have seen at home.



And now my grown children are writing their own notes. And those notes never fail to bring tears to my eyes............tears of gratitude and tears of joy for the people they have become. Right now I am looking at a post-a-note from son, Jared, on the wall beside my computer. Before he left for Africa the last trip, he left a note stuck to my monitor that said, “Mom, You are the best Mom and friend a man could ever dream of. I thank God for you and for the part of you that is in me. Namaste. I love you, Jared” Wow! That was a tear jerker.



I get the same kind of notes from all my children and their mates. They have watched. They have listened. Whether we know it or not, we are our children’s most significant role models and they reflect what they see in their own homes..................If they have not had good role models for a relationship they can choose to do what Dan and I did at a very young age. They can draw a line in the sand that they will no longer settle for mediocrity or a poor relationship. They can change the family tree.



Valentine’s Day is special to me because it always brings to mind myriad examples of how Dan shows me he loves me......................and that is the best gift I could ever receive.

I hope that you will look at your own relationships this Valentine’s Day and treat your spouse or significant other in the way you would like to be treated. Personally I like being “spoiled” and in return, I don’t mind giving back the same treatment! Happy Valentine’s Day to all............especially to my Honey!